You are minding your own business, scrolling down the feed on Facebook, judging all the people you used to go to school with, when suddenly, you get a message. It’s your friend from class, asking how far into your essay you are. Essay? What essay? The only essay you have due is in a few days—you have plenty of time to write that, why are they asking you about it today?
Except no, you realize. It’s not due in a couple of days, it’s due in less than 24 hours! You forgot about the paper you have to finish and hand in at the beginning of class and you are completely and utterly screwed. You don’t have the hope of a prayer.
Well, you’re in luck because here is a handy how-to on writing a last-minute essay!
How to Write a Last Minute Essay:
1. Pick your topic from the list provided to you by your professor.. Actually—first, find the list of topics, it has to be in your bag somewhere, right? After looking for it for a ridiculous amount of time, give up trying to find the physical copy and find the digital copy on your class webpage. Okay, NOW you can pick your topic. Once this is done, write a makeshift thesis which you will eventually completely disregard when you discover you are wrong half way through writing the essay.
2. Make a chart to budget your remaining time. Allocate a portion to finding quotations, sorting them into your arguments, inevitable snack and bathroom breaks, and finally, actually writing your essay. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t I just write the essay instead of wasting time trying to plan to write my essay. Because I said so, you moronic imbecile. That’s why. If you want to write an essay based on quality reasoning, then you have to put some solid effort into this essay. This is usually the point where you bitterly regret not having started the essay a few days ago. Oh well, you can’t change the past, you just have to live with your choices. Besides, you’ve wasted enough time procrastinating while mentally counting down how much time you have left— it is time to get serious. Like, serious-serious, not half-hearted serious where you are planning your essay but still talking to your friends online about how excited you are for tonight’s Community episode. Prepare for your night of writing by drinking copious amounts of caffeine!
3. Disregard your schedule and watch the new episode of Community, because if you don’t you’ll have nothing to talk about and reference the next day to your friends who will judge you for putting school above pop culture references. Everyone else will have watched it and if you haven’t, they’ll think you’re a loser. And if you don’t know what Community is, then WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! WATCH COMMUNITY! If there are no new episodes of Community because it is on hiatus or some other reason, then watch reruns of Arrested Development or Firefly… Both. Watch both. Let’s face it, you won’t be able to concentrate until you watch the Bluth family do their chicken dances or the flashback sequence of everyone being introduced to Serenity.
4. Realise you spent 7 hours watching TV and only have two hours to write your essay. This is usually where the sobbing happens. Perhaps you should spend a couple of minutes researching how impossible time travel really is?
5. Speed-write an essay as if Gob is standing behind you making magic puns and won’t stop until you finish. (See what I meant about those pop cultural references?) Chug a bunch of coffee and tea to get through the rest of the essay— the goal is no longer quality, it is reaching that page limit, using everything available to you.
Use everything. Block quotations, unnecessary retellings of the plot and adding amplifier words until you reach the glorious end and save your file five times to be safe. Then you are allowed to pass out in bed and find sweet oblivion in your sleep (although there is a 50/50 chance you’re going to have a performance anxiety dream… You’re going to have to take that chance).
6. The next morning, read over your essay before submitting it, getting rid of any errors, mistakes, or overt feminist rants where you’ve railed against female oppression in the 1920’s— especially since your essay is about a book from the 1600’s.
Congratulations, you are done. You have officially become a successful human being. You have accomplished all the things. Yup. Every last one of them.
Way to go, you.