Every so often, you will find yourself in the midst of an indescribable mood. A feeling so familiar yet foreign that you cannot quite put your proverbial finger on it… Then your eyes happen to skim over the copious book shelves in your room, and you just know.
You want to read a book.
I know, it’s been a while since you’ve read anything for fun, you might have forgotten how to decipher meaning from an arrangement of letters and words, but worry not— for your troubles will soon be over! Here is how-to read!
How to Read a Book:
1. Pick a book. Maybe you’re procrastinating when you should be writing an essay or finally getting around to a recommendation that your friend has given you but it’s a mood you want to take advantage of, so don’t tarry too long! Go to your pile of unread books and choose one at random (skip over the books you’ve already read, you can reread another time).
2. Search the room to find a comfortable position to read in with excellent lighting so that you don’t damage your eyes (they are kind of important).
3. Forget book on desk after you settle in and get comfortable. Start to yell until someone comes and brings you your book. If no one comes then belly crawl your way until the tips of your fingers are able to reach the book. Inch the book closer and closer to you until it is fully in your hands.
4. And read. Move your eyes across the lines of letters in a horizontal manner and infer meaning from the combination of words in relation to one another. When you have interpreted all the information given to you on one page, flip to the next and repeat this process until you have finished the story.
5. Finish the book on a huge cliff-hanger— what just happened? NO. No. No. It can’t end like that—NOTHING HAS BEEN RESOLVED! You’ve finished the book with more questions than when you began. This is the point where you curl up into a ball, clutching the book to your chest, trying not to claw your face off. When you have emotionally spent all you have within you, look up whether the next book is out yet or if you have to harass the author (
or wait patiently, if you’re capable of it) until you have it in your hands.
6. Spiral into insanity and obsession— forget about everything else in your life—work, school, family and friends— they are all just background noise now until you can get your next fix of the story (Or you can make your friend like it so you will have someone to talk to about it). Who knows? Maybe you will get lucky and your book will be turned into a movie or television show(in which case you have another thing to obsess about)!
7. Resign yourself to a life of literacy and loving books— I am sorry to say that from now on, you will be forced to recommend books to people who have yet to be enlightened by their magic. The clerks at your local bookstore or library will be on first-name basis with you. You will need to find a way to organize your bookshelf in a way that makes sense to only you
(separated by genre, then arranged by size), and yes, you get to punch anyone who disparages your organizational system. This is your life now— not being able to walk past a book store without going in, exchanging a secret glance with a book you’ve already read like you both share a secret and dragging apathetic friends with you to midnight screenings and book signings.
Oh well, there are worse fates than being a reader.
Congratulations, you have read a book! It may not be a huge accomplishment but you feel a sense of fulfillment now that just wasn’t there before.
For every book you read, a fairy gets its wings!